A Torn Heart, Sewn

I have a habit that I couldn’t change even though I tried many times to. Every night before falling asleep, I must watch YouTube or Netflix videos which are within my interests. My entire life has been perfected by insomnia. So it’s kind of normal to not being able to break that kind of habit, ever.


Anyway, in this short entry I’m going to write something about what I watched last night. These days I have been regularly watching YouTube videos by Paul Micalef from Aspergers From The Inside. I relate to almost all Aspies on the YouTube but I like this one particularly because he has the same interest as me: Emotional Intelligence.


The video that I’m going to comment about is this one:

Asperger Syndrome: Rejection is the Story of My Life…


First comment : It shattered my heart.

Second : I relate to it.

Third : It reminded me of my whole lifetime.


Fourth :

We* really are a lost generation. Before self-identification or diagnosis, we didn’t know why we get ostracized to a point where we believed we couldn’t do anything about it. We didn’t know that we came up as rude or nasty. We didn’t know that our intentions weren’t understood. We didn’t know that our thinking was completely different. We didn’t know that people couldn’t relate to us. We didn’t know that people were talking behind our backs, about us. We didn’t know that we were being bullied.

(Note as I say ‘we’ that means I have come to a conclusion that autistics, even though are different from each other, also share similar patterns and challenges. This came from massive online research on the topic.)


Haters hate, bullies bully. But some people just didn’t mean to hurt us, but they hurt us anyway. And when we lost it, no one understood. The life was a lonely one. Until we found people who are almost exactly like us. Experienced what we experienced. Felt what we felt. And suddenly yet slowly, we managed to get in touch with our innocence again.


People might call us attention-seeking, roll eyes on what they perceive as us making silly excuses, and mock us for crying out loud.


It’s a condition that many times comes like a curse, yet sometimes feels like a gift. When we achieve some kind of success, people crowd around us. Yet when we unmasked ourselves, people run from us.


Well, can’t blame anyone for being choosy and careful. They have their rights.


Every time I lost a relationship, be it a friend, an employer, or a potential spouse, I always believe that they had lost a great deal of talent, sincerity, and honesty. They judged me while I agitated and concluded my whole personality. And it was so awkward that they couldn’t handle it. All my good qualities were dismissed easily. And perhaps they felt relieved that they didn’t have to deal with a difficult one like me, ever again.


I had been alone again and again, looking here and there, believing that I have a great deal to offer, but not quite sure how. I don’t fit in any of their ‘manuals’.


People say that those with ‘special’ needs always feel discriminated against. Yes, that’s true. And it’s not for stupid attention-seeking reasons. The pain runs very deeply, in ways others unlike us can’t comprehend. The thing is, pain is pain. Innocence is innocence.

(Language update on February 11, 2020; I no longer use ableist words such as ‘unique’ or ‘special’ to identify myself.)


By the time any of us started to be able to write things down, it is because we already feel sufficient. We have already acknowledged our differences and we use that to navigate through life.


We are enough. We are very strong loners. We are happy without you. But we will help you understand in case you need it someday.


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